how amazing it is that you're generous enough to undergo such a journey in public!! I think I would rather appear naked in public than post unadorned practice clipsAnd I wrote this back to her:
I know I'm doing something a little crazy here, posting my unadorned practice clips. I am not being as "generous" as you say, though, because I am doing it totally for myself. Over the years I developed an immense amount of fear and stage fright about singing. I used to sing with abandon in the little plays the we did when I was young. (I included a picture below from 30 years ago when I was up on a stage and really having a blast in Once Upon a Mattress) But once I began to take voice lessons I developed a crippling fear, and would get up and shake uncontrollably. This fear ruined everything, and took away all the fun I always had getting up and singing.I am writing this blog for a number of reasons. The first and foremost is for myself. I have a great need to write out my thoughts regarding singing. I used to try posting them on my singer message board, but I realized that I was "blogging" there and didn't want to use the forum in that way.
My posting these clips is part of an overall desperate attempt to free myself so that I can have one last shot at getting out there and singing something .... something ... almost anywhere at this very late stage in the game.
You know, I have a cousin who is a dancer, and she had been one of the Rockettes (don't know if she's still doing that or not). I had heard from her sister (my other cousin) that she had ... inhibitions, and in order to free herself of those inhibitions, she posed nude at an art school.
Well, I'm a bit conservative about things like that. Dear Lord! I would think, Do I have to go to that extreme to "free" myself, or can I achieve the same result another way? I often would try to think if there was another way I could expose myself that would be more in keeping my own personal sense of physical modesty.
Well what you have written here has caused me to just now realize that I have actually accomplished that very task by posting these practice clips, and "exposing" the process of my struggle to learn to sing. Without realizing it, consciously, I have, in a way, solved that puzzle of how to achieve what my cousin did, without having to take off my clothes
Although I did not realize it when I opened up my "Frescamari Practice Room," as I stated above in the letter to my singer-friend, I inadvertently found a way to work out my inhibitions and fear. What I am putting up there is very flawed, but I think the reason sometimes we don't expose ourselves is for fear of people seeing/hearing the flaws. If I can put up my flawed self, then I will be less afraid, and that may (oh, that is what I hope for) lead to better singing.
It's one thing to put it up on the Internet, and another thing to do it in real life but the Internet practice room is a start.
In choir the other day, our choir director had a small group of us (coupla' sops, coupla' sop2s, and a coupla' alti) get up and sight read through a piece. I made myself get up there. I felt especially vulnerable because she wanted the song sung in the most angelic and quiet of tones, and piano singing is not my forte! I am flawed enough when singing in the voice that sounds better to me, but to use my "soft" voice in front of everyone, where I have so little control ... that is scary. I was in a group, however the feeling of being exposed in that small group was there nevertheless. The rest of our choir would know exactly which one of us was blundering, or mismanaging our voices.
But the thought of "Frescamari's Practice Room" came to mind, and I realized that it had to be the same thing in the flesh. So, I will continue to challenge myself in this way. I am an old lady -- 48. I see that one does not have forever to do this. This is my one last shot at conquering my fear.